23 VERY FUNNY Workplace Signs (who says you can't have humor at work!)

Sign on each entrance door reads "All pets must have owner on leash"

A Proctologist journaled the highlights of his military career in his autobiography titled, "I was a Rear Admiral in the Navy."

What is the fastest way to get from where you are to where you want to go? The way the Angels do it is fastest, it's the speed of thought!

It is Labor Day in Canada too.

Children Are Quick Responding TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Cause class started before I got here. -------------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. -------------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. -------------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) -------------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. -------------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! -------------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. -------------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: Oh, All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' -------------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... -------------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. (LOL!) -------------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) -------------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher -------------------------------------------------------- PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH! LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

13 signs your neighbor is using too much electricity 13."Houston, it's beautiful up here! I can see the Great Wall of China... the Amazon River... and, oh, yes -- there's the Wilsons'!" 12.Alien space vessels keep docking in his driveway to recharge their warp drives. 11.A sharp "tzing" and scream of pain from next door tells you the meter-reader has lost another finger to the kilowatt wheel. 10.All metal objects in neighborhood point toward their family room. 9.Always has the stereo blasting the whole time he's vacuuming the yard. 8.Armored truck delivers the monthly bill as a leather-bound 14-volume set. 7.You've been reduced to plugging the toaster into the cat and rubbing him on the wall just to make breakfast. 6. Him: sun-tanning by the pool. You: still shoveling snow. 5.Attracted by the blinking lights, old people wander through the yard in search of 5-cent slot machines. 4.The fumes from your wife's kerosene vibrator are causing your wallpaper to peel. 3. Ghost of Tom Edison moaning and circling the cupola. 2. He looks around nervously and gives a half-hearted laugh when you suggest his kids be "grounded." 1.Cleans his pool by bringing it to a rolling boil for 30 minutes.

Best Newspaper headlines Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says > [no, really?] > > > > Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers > [now that's taking things a bit far!] > > > > > Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over > [what a guy!] > > > > Miners Refuse to Work after Death > [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!] > > > > Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant > [see if that works any better than a fair trial!] > > > > > War Dims Hope for Peace > [I can see where it might have that effect!] > > > > > If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile > [you think?!] > > > > Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures > [who would have thought!] > > > > > > Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide > [they may be on to something!] > > > > Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges > [you mean there's something stronger than duct > tape?!] > > > > Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge > [he probably IS the battery charge!] > > > > > New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group > [weren't they fat enough?! > > > Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft > [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] > > > > Kids Make Nutritious Snacks > [Taste like chicken?] > > > > Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half > [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] > > > Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors > [Boy, are they tall!] > > > And the winner is.... > > > > Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead > [nuff said!]

Life is tougher if you're stupid Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy." FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "Cruise Control" and then went in the back to make a tuna sandwich. SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to Emergency!

This one is Understanding Men, Guys don't take offense its all in fun!! >>BECAUSE I'M A MAN... >> >>Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will >>fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions >>that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has >>set in. >> >>Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I >>will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what >>I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to >>the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now >>with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where >>to start.' We will then drink beer. >> >>Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring >>me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You >>NEVER get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. >> >>Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I >>will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this >>will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets >>here and has to put it back together. >> >>Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control >>in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, >>I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was >>able to survive by holding a calculator). >> >>Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, >>I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you >>listen to a complete stranger -- I mean, how could he know >>where we're going? >> >>Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm >>thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, >>though I have to make up something else when you ask, so >>don't. >> >>Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have >>your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or >>think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her >>for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't >>forget to pick up something for my Mom, too! >> >>Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the >>movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I >>didn't like it. >> >>Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce >>Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to >>tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on >>the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim >>Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. >>Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. >> >>Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I >>thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. >>Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it >>looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go >>now? >> >>Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 2000's, I will >>share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the >>cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do >>the rest. >> >>This has been a public service message for women, to better >>understand the Male Animal. >>

Last one..... Work Slogans Sayings you'd like to see, on office inspirational posters If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE..... We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! If at first you don't succeed -- try management. It's only unethical if you get caught. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Never quit until you have another job. Work harder slaves! The beatings will continue until morale improves. If you can read this, you're not working! Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free. Succeed in spite of management. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Slogan on a company truck that does soil testing: "Test before you build" and a picture of ----- The Leaning Tower of Pizza.

Seen in a travel agency window: "Please Go Away."

'What did the brassiere say to the hat?" "You go on a head, I will give these two a lift!" What did the mat say to the floor? "Don't worry I got you covered" Why are rivers so rich? Because they have banks on each side! Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7, 8, 9!

sign on my desk " DOING A GOOD JOB HERE IS LIKE WETTING YOUR PANTS IN A DARK SUIT" "You get a warm feeling, but no one else notices"